Pieces Of Me

Shattered glass on the floor is a silhouette of my soul

As I collect the pieces, memories cut deep

Exposing my vulnerable weakness 

That I’ve displayed to you many times

I don’t want to hurt anymore, but I don’t know how to forgive

Frustrated and alone, I convince myself I’m better off

Still plagued by the urge to have you again

Only to be broken . . . again

Remembering Smitty

A co-worker of mine recently passed. It was completely out of the blue and to my surprise, devastating. You never know how much you care for someone till they're no longer here for you to tell them it seems. I questioned myself about why this loss was so hard for me. A friend of mine said to me, "At the end of the day, you see your co-workers more often than your own family. Unknowingly they become family." She was right. I felt a deeper closeness with Smitty.

Tracey Smith was a sweet person. She was genuine and sincere. She always asked about my son (which I now wish she could have met), and man . . . did we have some great laughs. The thought of her passing is a true burden on my heart.

I wish our last conversation had been longer.
I wish our last laugh had been harder
I WILL MISS YOU SMITTY

A POEM BECAUSE OF KRIS

I skim Arabic scriptures
Hoping He can deliver
An answer to my soul’s question
Cause right now I’m stressing
Constantly trying to guess what my purpose is
Because life has to be more than this
I mean, damn its hard now
So when we lose a soldier from the home ground
We are left weakened by incompletion
We all lost a piece of ourselves that night
So let me step back into the light
And revise my sights on what I need to do here
You can’t tell me the end of the world ain’t near
Living cloud nine
Everyday get drunk – high
To keep the demons inside from coming up
Living it up
Cause any day can be the last
So if I’m ever asked
If I have any regrets in my life
I’ll only say I wish I lived it twice
We’ve witnessed life’s ultimate lesson
So if you don’t now realize your blessings
Then my man died for nothing
And all the hurt and pain isn’t worth my sorrow
So quick to scream fuck tomorrow
Long as the night before was sweet
But would you feel the same
If that sunrise wasn’t guaranteed
In the past I didn’t always put God first
Believing I was God’s worst
For all the dumb things I’ve done
Avoiding conversations one on one
As if He couldn’t see what I’d become
So when He showed me this sign
Reminding me this life ain’t mine
I had to draw the line and apply
The knowledge I compiled
Through my life trials
And change my lifestyle
And get right with Him
I sacrifice my health to smoke weed all day
But not pray?
I could cop drinks from the bar
But not attend the mosque?
You talking ‘bout lost
I was the walking definition
And the only thing that led me to this decision
Was the premonition that I may be casts to the flames
Burning in my shame
Cause I wanted to play games
Instead of giving praise in Allah’s name
So on the day of judgement when its time to take blame
I’ll admit I was wrong
Or I just wasn’t strong
Because I refused strength when I refused God
And I took the easy road when times got hard


But I don’t want it to be like that

Rude Awakening

Rude awakening,

As your past sins lie dormant in my mind, till my dreams have ended.
I sit up on my bed where you were once welcome,
Painfully reminded that you’ll never return.
Weeks have passed, and your ghosts still haunt me.
Just skeletons in disguise that once made me a fool.
A naïve heart weakens the eye, blinding me.
I held on trusting you would guide me home,
But you only let me down.

So I can’t let you back in,
That would lower my worth.
Yesterday is behind me now,
Or I pretend well.
Never repeat regret,
It’s far worse than any mistake.
I take steps to make the next day better.
I couldn’t live with our past,
So our future died.
Many nights I cried.
Eyes now lacking the glow you once released from my soul.
It’s too late to console.
I no longer desire the times we shared.
I no longer yearn for you to just be there.
I’m moving on.

untitled

They say its a hard. . . knock . . . life
So I picked up a pen
Cuz I couldn't rock the mic
I just felt inspired to write
I was thinkin' bout my lil boy
(then I laughed)
Cuz he's already a lil man
(then I panicked)
Cuz if he is to be righteous
I gotta get a certified game plan
(oh snap! this aint a game)
See, at work I babysit a bunch of lames
So I'll die before I let my son become the same
When he was born, I promised him the world
And in that instant, I became a mother
No longer just ya'll homegirl
They say its a hard . . . knock . . . life
But everyday I bow before Allah and pray
That his will turn . . . out . . . right

You see, when he smiles at me
My soul is at peace
And to hold him in my arms
Is like a drug to me
At night when he sleeps
Its a joy to watch him breathe
Whatever he needs, I'll provide it with ease
So please . . . Allah
Don't let him have a hard . . . knock . . . life
May Your Will be done
So will me to do . . . whats . . . right
For that, I . . . will . . . fight

Till my knuckles bleed.

Leading Lady

So now I sit outside and listen to others act out my role
Remembering how I used to be your leading lady
Till the curtain fell . . . my tears
I never missed a rehearsal
I never stuttered a line
Now my name is paved on your ex-lover walk of fame
And though I got the star
I didn’t get your heart
Sometimes, I wish I never got the part

My Mind's Opinion

I search for verses to express my mind’s opinion
I’m hoping ya’ll hear me, or is this all worthless
Though to inspire is my purpose
Lack of inspiration often leaves me wordless

I’ve been through a lot over the years
Faced many fears
Shed twice as many tears
Yet, I’m still here!
Sometimes just thinking back
Makes me relapse to the pain of the fact that,
I lost some very close friends of mine
It seems like, just when it’s ok
Something or someone says, wait!
Don’t take any of it for granted
Because if you die tomorrow
A million more will be born across the planet
So did you count for something?
Or were you just bluffing?
And if you did something with your life
You were God’s sacrifice
But if you lived by the beast
Your soul burns eternally
So I pray on prostrated knees
And asked to be guided righteously
From the path I have strayed
So there’s a price to be paid
And all I wanted was a way

To express my mind’s opinion
I’m hoping ya’ll hear me. or even better feel me
Though to inspire is my purpose
Lack of inspiration often leaves me wordless

Because now, even silence is loud
They tell me the sun still shines
But all I’m seeing are clouds
I look and see how far we’ve all come
And mostly I’m proud
And I will forever miss the faces that aren’t amongst the crowd
We in the last days now
So if this isn’t enough to get you up
Then we can’t be down
I’m not here to preach
Because before that I must teach
I’m just hoping I’m able to reach ya’ll
Before that contract called life is breached
To those who helped mold me along the way
I just want to say
I’ll return that favor one day
And I hope I never asked for too much
Cause all I wanted was a way

To express my mind’s opinion
I’m hoping ya’ll hear me, or is this all worthless
Though to inspire is my purpose
Lack of inspiration often leaves me wordless
So I’ll say what I can, when I can
And hope I’m forgiven for my weaknesses
I am who I am

A Glimpse Of Me

I'm ashamed, I'm lonely, I'm riddled with guilt
I'm afraid, I'm paranoid, with rage I am filled
I'm in love, I'm perfect, I'm full of pride
I'm modest, I'm Muslim, so look me in the eye
I eat kosher foods, I drink evil spirits
I write eloquent poems, I rock out to dirty lyrics
At work I am calm, in the streets I act a fool
Did you know that about me????
Look how I fooled you!

Islam is perfect, but I don't practice it well
I strive for Paradise, I fear I'll see Hell
I should pray 5 times a day, I shouldn't use profanity
I should hold strong in my faith, I should fight for my sanity
I shouldn't regret my mistakes, I should move on and learn
I shouldn't blame my opposition, I should let it burn
Sometimes at night I cry, I shed vacant tears
Sometimes to Allah I whisper, so only He will hear
When I'm angry I like to fight, I never meant to hurt you
Did you know that about me???
Look how well I had you fooled!


I don't give a damn, but mostly I care
I'm a hustler at heart, knowing I should play fair
I'll eat till I'm full, I don't care if you starve
I'll give you my last to make sure you 'ard
I take compliments well, that make me vain?
This world is beneath me, does that make me Queen??
I used to smoke weed, now, only blacks
Yeah I know I should quit, go 'head with that!
I don't see my ol homies much, we were all so close
Ahh to Hell with them, still miss em though
I got 2 nephews and a niece who deserve the best
But my son comes now, what did you expect?
Khalil comes first, but before all there is God
Allah holds my faith, but Khalil holds my heart
My son, My love, My soul, My dream
My GOD, My life, My existence, My being

I'm bold, I'm brave, I'll shatter your world
I'm evil, I'm a bitch, you only think you know
I'm innocent, I'm vulnerable, I'm sincere when I speak
This is who I am, here's a glimpse of me

A Conversation With Heart

Heart, stop being stubborn and let go of the past
You were there when things fell apart
You know why it didn't last
Lies were told, games were played
We fell too deeply, so let those memories fade

Heart, please don't stress
Don't make my mind reminisce
Don't bring back those old feelings
Don't make us live like this
Maybe he does regret his mistakes
And maybe his words are sincere
But do you really want us to take that chance
To just end up right back here
You, shattered in pieces
Me, drenched in tears
We gotta whole lifetime together
With him we wasted 3 years

Heart, be smart about this
You gotta ignore these feelings you have
I mean, look at the man we have now
Look how much he's done for our ass!
Besides, you cant do that to him
You could never be that cold
Look at the son we have together, he's going on 2 years old
We've started a family here
But Heart, you insist on running wild
I told you I'm tired of the bullshit
And its not getting thru to you somehow

Heart listen, love ain't perfect
It probably never will be
So don't set yourself up like this
Stay home . . .stay home for Lump and me